Mary-Kate Olsen Is Single Again; Here’s How You Could Date Her

Star Magazine’s reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen, one-time guest star of Samantha Who?, has decided to cast off artistic boy toy Nate Lowman. Nate, who’s most famous for being romantically linked to Mary-Kate Olsen, has been in her life since 2008. The two were rumored to have been engaged at one point, a rumor that Mary-Kate was quick to dispel.

Dear Jack reader, we realize you don’t care about this story on the surface. But you had to be wondering: now that she’s single… “does this mean I could date her? How would I make that happen?“

Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.

Here’s thirteen ways you might be able to grab the young starlet’s attention.

1. Claim that you also have prettier, more-successful twin, then commiserate with her over it
2. Talk about your weird, unemployable Greek Uncle who’s got an unhealthy obsession with his hair
3. Take her side in that whole “Heath Ledger thing”
4. Ask her to autograph “The Wackness” movie poster
5. Don’t mention “Are the Olsen twins 18 yet?” countdown website you started
6. Offer her a part in an under-funded made-for-TV movie
7. Pretend to be a shipping magnate
8. Start dressing like a homeless person
9. Add “incredible, unfathomable wealth” to your list of turn-ons at Match.com
10. Order a carrot for dinner, eat half, then ask for a to-go box
11. Emphasize that you waited until she was of legal age before abusing yourself to old photos of her
12. Do the “cut. it. out” thing, because she never gets tired of it
13. Ensure that you are, in fact, speaking to the correct twin